Sarcasm out of the way (it’ll resurface,) here are a handful of the most common reasons women:

“don’t produce enough,” 

“have an undersupply,” and 

“aren’t able to breastfeed,” 

and here is the kicker… the reasons don’t include mama’s abilities or breasts at all. This post is not intended to shame any mother out there who is surviving through this unsupportive age in human history. I honor you. I also want to absolve you of guilt and shame. As a matter of fact, this post is for women who WANT to successfully breastfeed. If you don’t, and voluntarily choose a different mode of feeding your baby, then this doesn’t apply to you. Live in your power, I trust you.

Despite what you might have been told, by even doctors and governing institutions, YOU are NOT defective. You did not fail. You are enough. Take a minute to close your eyes, repeat that to yourself, and take a deep breath. 

There are very few biological reasons breastfeeding might be a struggle. Consulting a professional on whether your baby has oral tethers is a good place to start if you feel you are heeding the info on this post, and still do not feel confident or comfortable. Various medications and true medical conditions are also not to be ignored (cancers, autoimmune disorders, etc.) All of that aside, here are the reasons why we climb an uphill battle just to nourish our babes with our bodies.

1. We use pacifiers

At some point in history, a woman was told that her time would be better spent away from her baby, and she shouldn’t have a child in arms at all times. This is a fallacy. The mother baby duo is a sacred relationship to be nurtured by everyone around them. Infants who are theoretically fed, changed, and rested and are still crying for the comfort of their mothers breast, heartbeat, and hormones are instead plugged with a plastic nipple and rocked incessantly by a stressed, shushing mama. With every angry, insatiable, milkless pull of the pacifier, the breasts feel no signal. Baby is doing everything in his power to communicate his needs. Mom’s body says, “no milk needed here, but you’re stressed as hell, huh?”

For the first few months of baby’s life, your own nipples are the only pacifiers you need. Whether baby is hungry or not, they cry out for the connection, regulation, and synchronization with their mother. This ‘signal and respond’ relationship is crucial to your milk production. The more stimulation at your breast, the more milk you will make. 

2. We pump so Daddy can bond

The idea that anyone needs to bond with the baby more than the mother, the one who is manufacturing the elixir of life for her child, is one of the most patriarchal acts of sabotage ever. The constant connection between mother and baby is what literally makes the milk. A good way to decrease your supply is to separate babe from mother. Relax, I’m not a monster… bonding is nice, Daddy is important, and this option is presented to families as a “break” for mom. The temptation is real. The desperation for a break is real. Its also really, really bad for your breastmilk supply. That is hard to hear, but for the same reasons the pacifier is the milk killer, the pump is, too. The suction is no where near as efficient and nuanced as the baby at the breast is. You are also missing out on the hormonal exchange that takes place when you are skin to skin with your nursing baby, providing (you guessed it) all the hormones you need to make more milk; more specifically, the milk with ever changing antibodies based on your baby’s saliva. Baby draws milk, body hears, “make more, mommy!” Don’t fret! There are countless ways for Daddy to bond with his precious child that does not include feeding time! 

3. We cut off healthy genitalia

It almost seems silly to explain why tearing, slicing and bandaging a newborn penis can disrupt their ability to breastfeed. Again, this is not to shame anyone. However, the information needs to be understood by new parents. In America, we are STILL encouraged to participate in this barbaric practice, without any sound scientific evidence that there are benefits. The opposite is actually true. The acute complications and life long ramifications of this procedure are well documented. It is also easy to see how profitable maiming our boys has become, as their foreskin is quite literally sold to cosmetic companies and various laboratories. SOLD. For money.

While this could certainly be its own post, and probably will be, I will leave you with the truth that agreeing to a circumcision for the sake of successful brainwashing negatively impacts your breastmilk supply. Simply, because your son is in pain for weeks. When he is in pain, he can not effectively nurse. He will be “cranky” and perhaps even “colicky” and “difficult to soothe,” while no one will admit that the gaping wound on his penis is to blame. There are so many resources for proudly raising a whole, healthy, intact son. All of the benefits to male genital mutilation you have heard are easily debunked and their sketchy rationale explained. There are also gentler religious alternatives to the outdated rituals of the past.

4. We establish newborn schedules

Productivity, people! “Congratulations! Now get up, put that baby down for nap time, get moving, get back to work, eat a salad and stop being so f****ing lazy.” Ok, it is unlikely anyone will actually say those exact words directly to your face, but it is absolutely the internal dialogue of a woman conditioned to fit into a patriarchal system that has long extinguished the divine feminine power. To have an abundant supply of breastmilk, you need to be responding to your baby on demand. If at any point in your early postpartum weeks you are encouraged to withhold nursing because it hasn’t been 3 hours since the last feeding, your supply will tank. Newborn babies can feed every hour, sometimes even more often and it is not by accident or by poor design. If baby is “cluster feeding” you can bet they are doing their work to ensure they have the adequate amount of milk they require for healthy growth. 

5. We are not practiced in Sacred Rest

My darling, I am so sorry that you feel like you can not rest and recover. I’m so sorry that you feel like you should be doing something else, other than leaning back in your bed, shirtless, surrounded by cozy pillows and warm blankets, drinking Mother’s Milk tea, sipping a nourishing bone broth and nursing your freshly born baby. My heart breaks as you convince yourself that you don’t need that friend, mother, brother, doula who offered help with chores. I promise you, if they offered, they mean it. They want to help, so LET THEM HELP. There are ways to make sure you have this type of support, even if finances are a concern. Focus on your lineup of support BEFORE baby is born. Ask your trusted family, friends, or church if they would participate in a meal train, or come over 2x a week for the laundry. Most doula organizations have student doulas who are willing to volunteer for experience. They are more than capable of washing your dishes and doing your laundry! With some planning, you can prioritize the rest your breast milk supply requires.

6. We steamroll the physiological birthing process

If you received synthetic oxytocin (Pitocin) during your labor or immediately post partum, your breast milk supply will be affected. If you received IV fluids during your surgical or vaginal birth, your breast milk supply will be affected. If you birthed in a hospital and are famished after birth because you were denied basic nutrition during the most rigorous physical event of your life, then your breastmilk supply will be affected. If you were separated from your baby at the moment of their birth so they could be observed under a warmer instead of on your bare chest, your breast milk supply will be affected. If you experienced any morsel of fear or trauma during your birthing time, your breastmilk supply will be affected. Why? Your hormones were tampered with, and hormones are everything. Make it a priority to hire a care provider that is well versed in physiological birth, and do not be afraid to switch your care at any time. Resist that feminine urge to placate, and fall on the sword of loyalty to a provider that does not care if you come or go. They do not care about you, or your baby. Even if you’ve been a patient since you were a teen. Most have NEVER SEEN a baby being born in the wild. Let that sink in. Their training does not include watching any woman give birth in her power, undisturbed in all her mammalian glory. You are a box on their tightly packed schedule. Let’s just be frank, I’m talking about your OBGYN. Seek trusted midwives in your community.

I could go on and on, the reasons are so vast. Luckily, women are F****ING MAGIC so we can adapt and recover our supply. This struggle is societally driven, and strategically curated. Breastfeeding mothers and babies are not as profitable as those who are broken, busy, stressed, and in fear for their baby’s survival. See past the bull sh**. Pull back the veil. Get quiet, tune in to yourself, and follow your instincts without asking someone’s opinion first. Then, when you know you’ve listened to yourself, seek guidance by sources who have SUCCEEDED in this biological function! Do not ask your mother who bottle fed yourself and siblings. She has infinite wisdom, but not on this, and that is ok! Breastfeeding was likely actively discouraged somewhere in your recent maternal lineage. This isn’t the blame or shame game! This is fanning the embers of your power that lie deep inside. You can do this; you were made to do this. You are meant to ignite, and roar. Your mothering is the most important work you will ever do, so please do not ever let another person tell you that it isn’t. 

Your live zoom session with me includes continued virtual support during your immediate postpartum time (40 days.) Sometimes reassurance, nervous system regulation, and a simple change in position does the trick, and I am here to help you troubleshoot your breastfeeding journey (like wise women always did.)

Nathan Riley, MD and Brendon Marotta: Circumcision

Meal Train

Here it is. The time has finally come for me to put my 3rd birth story on paper. It has been 5 days shy of 4 months since the Earthside arrival of my sweet Tala Sunshine, and I feel I have processed her birth enough to tell her story. The experience was absolute magic and exactly what I had planned. No, things did not look exactly the way I imagined them. You never know what birth will throw at you. However, I controlled this birth. I was in charge of my care and my environment. I was the authority in my own sacred space. In that way, it was exactly what I had planned. This was supported, Mother-led birth.

After the birth of my 2nd son, Xannon, I made the decision to never return to the hospital to birth future babies. I knew birth didn’t belong there for me. I knew I didn’t want to see one single, solitary face of someone I didn’t personally invite to my birth. I didn’t want to hear one single, solitary comment about my decisions from someone who thought I was a being a martyr, or craving attention. (BTW, who the f*** would choose to labor naturally in a foreign environment for attention?!?? Come on, people.) I knew that should another soul join our family, I would be having that baby at home with a midwife who supported Mother-led, physiological birth; and if I couldn’t find one who shared my values, I was having a free birth. I contacted multiple home birth midwives in my area, and met with what would be my dream team. I found a small group of midwives who were open to hearing my birth philosophy, my concerns, my wishes, and my questions who lovingly assured me that they would be as involved as I wanted them to be. THIS is modern maternity care. This is RESPECT. I should not feel like I have to have a free birth (which is absolutely an option) to feel respected during the most intimate and sacred time of my life. Personally, I desired a midwife to join my wise woman circle to support me in my choices.

The morning of July 16, 2018 (40w4d) started off with a weird energy. There is no other way to describe it. The kids were bonkers, I was tired and slow and large and unmotivated to do anything that day… but…. toddlers. Thomas suggested we go for a boat ride to get the kids outside and completely change the scene. Well, it was weird on the water, too! Boats cutting people off left and right, massive green fly swarms, and tricky winds made for aggravating anchoring. The universe was telling us to be home. We decided to head back and had a restful movie day inside (on a sunny, July day on Long Island.)

The boys fell asleep that evening, we did what lovers do, and my contractions started at 10:30PM. They were mild but regular, and assuming this was actually early labor, I was so thankful that it was night time and I could get some sleep before anything picked up. Then, Xannon woke up. Waking at this time was completely out of character for him. He insisted on laying on the couch with me as I timed my waves; leaning/pushing/rubbing on my belly, saying, “ok Mommy?” Children are so incredibly intuitive. He knew something was happening without me saying anything at all. With each wave I had to push him off of me to breathe. I decided to hit the bedroom to sleep, leaving Xannon with Thomas on the couch.

 l laid in bed for about an hour, each wave getting stronger than the last, and requiring serious concentration and deep breathing. No sleep. So I got up to join Tom and Xannon, who were still awake. I went to the bathroom, right on schedule. Then Zephyr woke up! It was like we were in the twilight zone… We made the call that it was time to alert my team at 1:30AM. I needed my mother-in-law to come pick up the kids, my mom to come to start setting up my space, and my midwife, Colleen, to be ready when things got serious. I told Colleen that I’d been having steady contractions since 10:30, and they were now about 4-5 minutes apart. She said she was coming right over. I felt that was premature. It wasn’t. 

Once the kids were taken care of, I was able to focus. My mom and Tom started filling up the birth tub, getting food ready and setting the lighting, oils, music and candles. I was laying on the couch, breathing through my pressure waves that had increased in intensity. Colleen quietly arrived at around 2:00AM, asked how I was doing, assessed the atmosphere, and disappeared from my consciousness to rest herself. We only got about 30 minutes of rest before I couldn’t stay horizontal any longer. The waves picked up to 2-3 minutes very quickly and I used my voice to vibrate through each one. The most comfortable position for me was standing and leaning forward on Tom, slowly rocking through each one. My baby girl was active throughout my entire labor time. I haven’t experienced this with either of my boys. She just wouldn’t stop moving! After every wave, she’d roll, push and kick. Colleen felt my belly at one point to “feel her energy,” and confirmed what I already knew to be true. This was a strong girl with big energy, ready to meet her family. I was talking with Thomas, my mom and Colleen between contractions, sharing laughs and predictions about this little one. At some point the birth assistant arrived, and said something to the effect of, “We’re still smiling! That’s a good sign!” Colleen assured her, “I think she’s going to be smiling this baby out very soon!”

Each wave was more intense than the last, and I moved from standing, to leaning on furniture, to leaning on people, to hands and knees (which was intense, but great. It was here that I peed on a towel on the floor, because anything goes in birth.) 

Then came that feeling… There comes a point in labor when you start to tremble between waves. You feel your bones moving inside of you, and your hormones do a dance that brings your baby down and out. All I could do was keep my vocalizations going, slow and steady, breathing deeply and intentionally, visualizing oxygen filling up my baby, circulating through her, nourishing her entire being. I knew she was being squished and was working just as hard as I was.

It was time to get into the tub, and ohhhhh myyyyyy word, it felt amazing. I laid my head on the side of the tub, on all fours and closed my eyes. The water enveloped me in warmth and safety, and my waves spaced out to give my body a rest. I was complete; there was no need to check my cervix and no one asked to (let alone TOLD me they were going to.) I was trusted and respected. I welcomed the resting period that comes when you’re about to start the pushing stage, and waited for the involuntary urges to start.

They started. With each strong wave, I felt my bones spacing apart. I felt my baby moving through me and it was intense. I think I said aloud, “oh my God, please just come out.” It felt like there was no way she could come out. It seemed I couldn’t get my legs to spread wide enough for the passage of this baby. I was on all fours, then stretched my right leg up and out to the side, my mom supporting it. Thomas was in the tub behind me, getting quiet direction from Colleen on how to receive the baby I was delivering, with my full blessing. I remember hearing someone excitedly say, “Just like that! Keep going!” and Colleen just calmly saying, “She doesn’t have to do anything, she’s doing exactly what she needs to.” You have no idea what that meant to me. It is what I have been trying to convey to anyone that will listen about physiological birth. You don’t have to DO anything. Birth happens. I was talking out loud to my baby, telling her to please come out, “Come on, Baby.” I was supported, and in my full power when her head was born. Then came her body. Thomas slid/floated her through my legs in front of me so I could bring her to my chest. She was wrapped in umbilical cord like a little tamale. She did it. I did it. Tala Sunshine was here at 5:38AM after 7 hours of labor.

The birth of the placenta was 20-30 minutes later. I think. My concept of time is totally skewed, so we’ll just say 30 minutes. We stayed in the tub for that time just relishing in our baby girl, high on oxytocin, overflowing with love and admiration. The water of the tub was tinged with blood, but wasn’t a concern to me at all. This is normal and I had nothing to fear. I checked in with myself and I felt great and strong. With a bit of herbal tincture and a cough, the placenta came out 95% of the way. I wasn’t expecting that. I patiently waited for the rest to just fall out and it didn’t. It seemed like there was still a thin string of membrane attached or something. I climbed out of the tub, Tala latched on easily and nursed for the first time. Having my placenta hanging out of me was annoying to say the least, so I agreed to allow Colleen to gently free it from my body with careful, skillful expertise. So that was a thing. A small thing, but a thing worth mentioning. The atmosphere stayed calm, and relaxed the entire time, and no one sounded any alarms that weren’t warranted. No one brought their own fears into my space. It was truly the birth I knew I could have and deserved.

This birth was healing and validating. I drove the ship. I chose a respectful team for their clinical observation, my mother in law as loving caretaker for my older children and my mom for her nurturing heart and unparalleled skills for ambiance. My life partner, Thomas, supported my every move, from the midwife interview to passing Tala into my arms. He trusted in my ability to birth freely with authority and autonomy. I am forever grateful for this man.

This is my dream birth story. Your perfect birth might be in a hospital, or birth center or home. You might feel your power with a huge team, or a small team. Just know that you have options. Don’t allow the phrases, “they wont let me,” or “am I allowed to,” or “I want to try to,” leave your lips. You’ve got this. Prepare your inner voice with confidence and encouraging mantras. I’ve learned to lose the term “empower.” I can’t give you power, or make you feel like you are acquiring power. It is in you already, oppressed and suppressed. We need to show birthing people to draw from their power within. Birth in your power. Watch the videos, look at the pictures, choose a supportive team and I promise you will birth consciously.

With Love,

Malarie

This is a very special guest post provided by my dear friend, Amy. She has a unique perspective to share, as she chose a hospital water birth with midwives to welcome her sweet girl into the world. I know you will be inspired by her story and strength as much as I was. I might have cried.

Amy writes,

“I found my OBGYN office like I think most women do- convenient location and hours.  When I found out I was pregnant with my baby girl, I initially had no reservations about continuing with my current providers.  They had always been kind and gentle with my uneventful yearly check ups.  For the early few months of my pregnancy I continued there with routine check ups and ultrasounds.  I loved the nurse practitioner caring for me but it soon clicked that this would not be the person in the delivery room with me.  It wasn’t until the 2^nd trimester that I met the two doctors working for the practice, only after I pushed to be scheduled with them at the front office.  

I was very fortunate to have a community of strong moms around me who had non-medicated births with no interventions.  They opened my eyes to books written by Ina May Gaskin, and to the Business of Being Born documentary. I soon began to question why things were being done at my OBGYN office.  Appointments always seemed so rushed and I wasn’t really given the opportunity to ask questions until the exam was finished.  I remember telling my OB that I was preparing myself for an un-medicated birth. I asked if she had experience with this type of delivery and for any advice she could give me.  Rather than helping me toward my goal, she told me that I was silly for making a plan and that we’d have to “just see how things go”.   I knew that without a plan my personality would feel lost and out of control.  I had asked for hip opening exercises because I had a hip injury that worried me for labor and she told me that she strongly recommended I get an epidural so “I wouldn’t be flailing all over the table” during delivery (startling for many reasons, one of which was that I had planned to deliver in any position other than laying down on a hospital bed).   Another woman in my prenatal yoga class had the same provider and talked about how they scheduled her induction because the hospital was really busy during the time of year she was due and they didn’t want to run the risk of there not being a bed for her.  I asked if I could be allowed to go past my due date as long as everything was healthy with the baby and placenta, and was told 10 days was their policy and beyond that I would have to get an induction.  At this point there were so many red flags that I told my husband I needed to switch providers at 34 weeks pregnant.  It didn’t make sense to me why decisions were being made about a hypothetical future problem when my pregnancy had been so healthy and uneventful.  Worse yet, I was not being given options with risks and benefits to make my own decisions, but was being told what I “had” to do.   I consider this my first “mom-gut” decision.  Looking back on this whole experience I’m not quite sure why making this switch was so emotional for me.  Healthcare providers are there to work for YOU.  I continue to feel this way about my daughter’s pediatric care.  I am the parent and it is my job to make parenting decisions.  It is my pediatrician’s job to help me make sure these decisions are done in the safest way possible.   

I was treated so differently at the Midwives office.  I wasn’t made to feel like a patient with a problem but as a perfectly healthy pregnant woman.  All procedures were run by me first and I felt fully in control of my care.  The majority of each appointment was dedicated to answering any questions I had, talking about my goals during the birth and discussing ways to make my goals a reality.  I took a birth course with a local doula and it was the first time having a water birth was ever discussed with me.  I had swam during my whole pregnancy to stay active and the thought of having Nora in the water just seemed right.  My midwives were very excited to help me and I made the next best decision of my pregnancy at 36 weeks pregnant- I hired my doula.  My OBGYN practice had actually encouraged me not to work with a doula because they saw it as an insult to the labor and delivery nurses who were perfectly capable of caring for me.  My midwife felt just the opposite.  In her experience, your doula is not there to be in the way but to be your advocate when you’re in transition and can’t talk or when your husband needs to run to use the bathroom!  Doulas work with your nurses to make sure you are not only medically taken care of but emotionally supported.    

Okay so now to the actual birth story!  One week before Nora arrived I began having strong Braxton-Hicks contractions that felt like electric shocks down my inner thighs and a general feeling of exhaustion.  I no longer wanted to attend my yoga classes or lap swim.  Friday, August 25, I woke up at 5am to mild burning menstrual-like cramps deep in my pelvis.  I soon realized that these were contractions!  I wanted to labor at home as long as possible and worked to keep my mind off early labor, so I went off to work.  By the time I went home at 1pm I found that while I could still talk through the surges, it brought my mind inward and I could no longer multitask.  I had to start using the tools I had learned to relax through contractions.  I spent time on an exercise ball or kneeling next to the couch.  My husband and I went for a walk but only made it half way around our neighborhood before we realized it was making my contractions more intense and I was having difficulty continuing.  Back home I tried taking a shower, but again, the pressure of the water on my back made the surges far too intense.  I tried laboring on the toilet (a position a friend of mine swore by) and I ended up breaking the toilet! (Such a fun surprise to come home from the hospital 2 days later to!)  We settled on a bath and I was able to breathe through contractions.  Around 8pm I had run out of ideas for tools to use to relax through the labor and we called our doula, Rose, and our midwives. Everyone agreed it was time to go to the hospital.  Matt and I wanted to wait as long as absolutely possible because we knew it would give us the best chance at an uninterrupted labor and birth.  I was slightly nervous we were arriving too soon since my contractions were shorter in length (only 30-45 seconds) but were at this point happening every 5 minutes for about 2 hours.  

We got everything into the car and I sat in the backseat in child’s pose.  At this point we realized that any movement caused the contractions to speed up!  Matt was worried while driving to the hospital that this baby may just be coming in the car because contractions had sped up to only 2 minutes apart.  We pulled up to the hospital and met our doula.  I just remember feeling intensely excited.  Matt and I had developed a birth plan that the hospital very respectfully followed.  I refused an IV and vaginal exams after the initial triage exam.  I asked to be interrupted as infrequently as possible and to avoid questions like rating my pain during labor.  What I believe was most helpful for my experience was asking that no one tell me how dilated I was.  I worried that the number would disappoint me and I would focus on progressing at a certain rate rather than just leaning into the experience.  The nurse hadn’t even started the exam but watched me have a contraction and said “well it looks like you’ll be staying here with us tonight!”  

We settled into our delivery room and the nurses immediately started filling our birth pool (which took a LONG time to fill!).  While I read a lot of birth books, in the moment I couldn’t remember any of the positions that were supposed to help me relax during labor!  Our doula, Rose, stepped in and helped guide Matt and I through different suggestions.  I found leaning into Matt and swaying during contractions very helpful and also leaned over the raised hospital bed while Rose put pressure on my hips.  Once the pool was filled I got in and loved the relief the weightless feeling gave me.  Swaying in the water during the surges was definitely what felt most comfortable to me and I could then rest my head on the side of the pool in between.  I had absolutely no concept of time passing.  At one point Rose suggested we try getting out of the pool, and very quickly after, my water broke with an audible pop on the exercise ball.  After this event, I could feel Nora in my bones.  I got back into the water.  I remember looking up at Rose during what I now can recognize as transition and telling her I didn’t know if I could do this. I vividly remember telling her “this sucks” to which she replied “It’s going to get worse before it gets better”.  This was weirdly exactly what I needed to hear- no sugar coating the situation.  She continued putting pressure on my hips while Matt held my hands and continued to tell me our mantra: Relax and Open.  I focused on the idea that each contraction was one less until we met our baby and that I was working toward a medication free birth for her health and safety.  A few times throughout the night a nurse would come and monitor the baby’s heart beat while I stayed in the pool.  Her heartbeat was always strong and steady so I never questioned that she could do this.  The room was dark and for most of the night the only people near me were my husband and doula.  It allowed me to feel relaxed and safe.

Transition was intense and seemed to last longer than the entire labor experience. There were less breaks between contractions, but the amazing thing about contractions is that you can feel them grow and subside, like a wave, so you know they will end and can prepare yourself for the next one.  Toward the end of transition I looked up at Rose and asked her if I was close.  She said I was (at this point the room was filled with nurses and our midwife but I really had no idea).  I worried that I was barely dilated, which turned out to be pretty irrational since I had checked into the hospital at 6cm, -2 and fully effaced.  During labor you are in your own world.  What I didn’t know was that our midwife had another delivery at a different hospital and was not sure if she would make it for our delivery.  The hospital paged an OBGYN on call.  Rose, knowing our wishes for minimal interventions and a water birth, immediately pulled a nurse aside and told them to find me a midwife because I had no plans of leaving the water to push on a hospital bed.  If she had not been there to advocate for me, this news would have sent me into a panic!  Luckily our midwife made it with time to spare.

All of a sudden my contractions stopped.  I found myself grunt at the end of a contraction which hadn’t happened before.  I asked our midwife, Pam, if it was time to push and started worrying about how to best push to avoid tearing or be most efficient.  Pam told me to get out of my own head and push if it felt right.  I could no longer feel the wave of my contractions and found it hard to figure out when to push.  In most birth stories I had read women talk about their sudden intense need to push or intense pressure.  My experience was more like a sudden lack of intensity and contractions.  Matt got into the birth tub with me and I sat between his legs.  He helped hold my knees so I would have something to push against.  I found this stage of labor both scary and extremely satisfying.  It was great to have an active role in labor after trying to passively relax during contractions and let my body do the work.  It felt powerful to yell as I pushed and try to focus my energy.  After just a few pushes I could feel Nora’s head emerging and reached down and felt her.  30 minutes or so of pushing later, Nora slid out into the water and I was able to pick her up and place her on my chest.  Picking her up was the most exhilarating and surreal moment of my life.  I was in utter disbelief that my body had worked so well and that my baby had been so strong and powerful during the entire labor.

We left the pool and I had to have a few very minor stitches.  I was oblivious to what was going on as I held Nora and watched her rub her face with her hands and look directly at me, so alert.  We refused the hepatitis vaccine while at the hospital and did not let the nurses bathe Nora, allowing us to have uninterrupted skin to skin cuddles with our baby.  Matt and I soaked her in.  Looking back, I’m so thankful for the team we chose to surround ourselves with.  The entire experience left me feeling so strong and I truly feel that I delivered Nora.  Without their support and confidence we would not have had the opportunity to have the birth we wanted.”